“Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall…” That was going through my mind 90% of the time when I was walking, especially right before I started using a wheelchair. And then whenever I fell, I felt embarrassed and frustrated because I put myself at fault. I grew up walking/running/dancing all my life, so it was extremely upsetting to know that I just couldn’t go back to that.

Lately, I’ve been growing frustrated at my legs again. I’ve been falling constantly within the past semester at school. I had even asked friends several times to help me back up (and you know, for me to ask for help, is when you know I really need it).

I post so much positivity, but just like everyone else, I still get sad over things. It’s so important for me to be raw and vulnerable in my posts, to show the good and the bad, but sometimes I have a hard time expressing the bad. Yet today, you’re probably going to see more of that. I want to talk about how it upsets me that my legs are getting weaker (but I guess that’s what you get when you’re diagnosed with a progressive disease, right?)

Let’s backtrack to high school… I was in my freshman English class and the teacher called my name to retrieve a test. As I walked back to my seat, I stumbled badly but roughly got myself back up seconds later. It was so quick that I didn’t think much of it, but then I realized the group of boys who sat in front of me were laughing under their breaths. That was one of the first moments where I felt embarrassed and frustrated about my walking. My condition wasn’t too noticeable at the time so I know for a fact that would never happen today. And if it ever did, I would never let that type of moment go without saying something.

For the next 3 years, I still was anxious and self-conscious every time I walked into a classroom, stood up for a presentation, or even entered a public place with friends. Because I unfortunately used to care what people thought of me, especially of my walking. And then when I fell, I blamed only myself – how was this fair??

I fall now less than I did in high school because I’m using my wheelchair full-time but it still emotionally hurts me each time. Once I’m on the floor, all my negative thoughts rush in- Really, you fell AGAIN? Why would you stand up if you knew you didn’t have the best grip? Why couldn’t you just grab the handle with both hands instead of just one?… I get pretty angry with myself, but then I always think, Adriana, shut up, you can do this. I’m not saying those are magic words or anything lol but it helps to not be so stuck on what I could’ve done to prevent myself from falling. I can’t hold myself accountable.

I recently fell while I was transferring from my wheelchair to my dorm bed, and to sum it up quickly it took an hour filled with tears and leg bruises to get in bed. I was even thinking about sleeping on the floor at one point but I just kept trying. And let me tell you, that bed never felt more comfortable in my life… and it was a Tuesday at 1 AM – what a night!

My legs getting weaker is something that will always bother me, there’s no question about that. It’s still frustrating and yes, sometimes embarrassing; it’s just in my nature to feel like that. However, the difference for me now is it’s not something I blame myself for or fear of anymore. I mean I rather not fall LOL but I know getting back up makes me stronger each time.